Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My career move

Dear Brighter Pictures/Endemol Productions,

I have been watching big brother for a decade. In this time I have become very familiar with the format, the fame and fallouts, the characters and the various presenters; however there is one aspect of the show that I am particularly attracted to - and that is the voice of 'Big Brother'. I have spent much time carefully considering my approach but fetl that the best and most effective method would be to simply ask, so without any further ado I propose that I should be given the opportunity to be a Big Brother voice on the next series. Hell, I'd even do your 'Celebrity Big Brother' as a kind of 'warm up' act.

I appreciate that one would need more credentials to become a Big Brother voice than just being a fan, I understand that it is hard work, that it is emotionally, as well as physically tiring. I appreciate that, as part of the role I would frequently be expected to disregard my ethics, morals and better judgement and act coldly and callously - this my friend, this should present no problem whatsoever.

Conversely, having seen the programme I am aware that the role of Big Brother requires compassion and mediation. That I would be dealing with unstable people, frequently with sensitive issues within a highly unusual, forced and claustrophobic environment. To this, I would like to assure you that I have years of experience working with vulnerable young people and their families dealing with complex personal and emotional issues. And, additionally I am undertaking a Masters and will shortly be a qualified Counsellor.

Furthermore, though you are unable to appreciate it in this written offering; I have a very pleasant speaking voice, which I know is of paramount importance. It's a subtle blend of elocuted Northern Irish with non-regional and familiar Anglicized overtones brought on by living in England for the past 9 years - think Irish Ewan McGregor, but better. But I'm no hack! God no, as I also have experience with acting, TV and voice-over work.

I was told recently that the voices of big Brother were likely to be those of the shows producers, and though I do not a financial stake in the show, I believe that ten years of viewing is investment enough.

Should you wish to ring to discuss the matter further I would be delighted to hear from you,

Tiernan Welch
077_ ____ ___

Monday, August 10, 2009

...'those' lucozade adverts

Dear Lucozade,

I have to ask; are you showing those 'I bet you can't.../Big Brother' adverts with the sole intention of putting people off both big brother and Lucozade? I hate to be so blunt, but having previously been I fan of both I have the right to air my concerns.

First off, I hate them. That said, I get your angle. That by using immediately infuriating, yet equally self-obsessed and diabolically loathsome actors to advertise your product you are mirroring the latest 'herd' of fame-hungry-media-whores featured in Big Brother. Not Orwell's harrowing tale of a totalitarian state and a man's futile rebellion, but rather 'Big Brother' the popular programme on which you are advertising

That I get, but what I don't get is the premise. I mean, what's actually happening? I understand that, as above the claustrophobia and sexual tension displayed in the advert is representative of the Big Brother experience. And perhaps there is an undiagnosed Napoleonic complex, or maybe its just a simple case of sibling rivalry?

If the latter, May I suggest that instead of inanely suggesting 'extreme' challenges (which are seemingly effortlessly completed within an advert break) that both parties 'bury the hatchet' as it were and agree to some focused intervention. I would be happy to mediate this and intend to focus on cognitive goals, rather that physical ones, while facilitating a communicative dialogue associated with jealousy, envy, and rivalry among adult siblings. A much more satisfactory outcome, I'm sure you'll agree.

Other than this, the only suitable alternative I able to suggest that would make me feel better would be for little brother to 'dare' big brother to brutally assault him? Or to bury him alive. Your call.

I feel I have offered 3 highly suitable suggestions to, what I believe to be a global problem.


Tiernan Welch