Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Kevin Bishop - the next generation

Follwing my letter to Channel 4 regarding about Kevin Bishop:

I recieved the following letter - I should go, shouldn't I?

See below.

Hello Tiernan,

I am emailing you from The TV Show, Channel 4's viewers response programme.

You recently contacted Channel 4 to comment about the Kevin Bishop Show and I wanted to invite you to be a part or the audience for the next show, where you will be able to take part in two TV themed debates.

The next episode of The TV Show will be filmed on Thursday 1st October 2009 from 4pm to 6pm. If you would be interested in sharing your points of view about some of the programmes broadcast on Channel 4 please contact me on the phone number or email before.

Thank you for your attention, I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,

Phone: +44 (0)207 985 1958

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Mobile Porn - a new low

Thank you for contacting Bling Customer Care

I can confirm you number has been removed from our service, and that you will receive no further promotional messages.

Please call us on 0870 100 1024 if you would like to discuss the service further



Bling Customer Care

From: tiernan welch []
Sent: 03 September 2009 22:25
Subject: Complaint

Dear 'Bling',

Tonight at 20:44 I received a message on my phone (tel: 07751243077) from yourselves stated that 'I have paid '4' but not yet claimed my adult video at barley legal'!'...

I am frustrated, confused and annoyed at this message; not only because of the woeful grammar it presented, but mainly at the suggestion is that I am a subscriber to a seedy mobile internet porn site which boasts 'barely legal' subjects. I have never agreed to such a thing and insist that you immediately remove me from your distribution list (which must read like the sex register) .

Perhaps I am being mislead, and this text is merely a rouse to trick me into following a link which I will then subsequently be charged for - this in itself is abhorrent and frankly, deceitful. Now admittedly, being a big sexually verile man, I may have I inadvertently stumbled upon something of this nature on my phone. But I have would never agreed to pay for such a thing given that pornography is so freely available on the Internet, and I have a girlfriend who puts out.

I will be inspecting my bill and should I be charged, seeking legal advice and taking matter further.

Take me off this distribution list. Now.

I am totally fucking serious.

Tiernan Welch

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Why Kevin Bishop isn't funny

- not funny

Dear Kevin Bishop,

This was never going to be an easy letter to write, like telling a little disabled boy that he can never be an athlete, or a sex offender they can never teach pre-school. But it's with pity, but admittedly some relief that I write to you to inform you that you, Kevin Bishop, are not funny. But, I imagine you get people telling you this on a regular basis, so instead of simply calling you a 'useless cunt' or 'talentless fuck-wit'; I felt it would be best to break it down for you.

Your first problem is that you cannot write jokes. Rule one, just because you think something is funny does not make it automatically make is to. No, writing comedy is about good original script and timing - both things abundantly lacking in your 'work'.

Secondly, your 'impersonations': I feel compelled to tell you that these are, at best, dreadful. Principally these are flawed because you don't look or sound like the subject of your efforts and seemingly the only way you can portray who the identity to the viewer is to use a catch phrase, or quote from a film in which they appeared. Poor.

So, we have established that you cannot write jokes or do impressions. Why then Kevin, are these the crux of your show? As a format 'impression/comedy' is inherently weak, with obvious exception being 'spitting Image'. Difference of course being, Spitting image was funny, current and well researched, whereas you are shit. Oh sorry, I said I wouldn't resort to that.

But I know what you're thinking; 'I must be funny, I have my own TV show'. Yes you do have your own show, but sadly it is not funny. Seriously, ask anyone. In fact, its probably the polar opposite of funny; it's actually quite sad. And not even sad in a 'past-it-radio-DJ-hyping-the-latest-zeitgeist-band-sad' way, but in a homeless talking dog sort of way. Depressing.

In conclusion, yes I probably could do better.

Yours sincerely,

Tiernan Welch

Thanks to 'the man'

Regular readers of this bollocks may remember that a short time ago I launched a letter writing campaign to my local planning office to thwart the opening of a fast food (probably fried chicken) outlet in my area. Though it may appear like a pointless and spiteful attempt to damage the livelihood of a developer; I did have my reasons, see here:

Well, I am very pleased and hugely grateul to anyone who got involved and have great pleasure in printing the reply I recently recieved from the local office.


Thank you for writing to me about this planning application. Your letter was received on 29 May 2009, and your views were taken into consideration. The decision was permission was refused.

You can inspect a copy of the decision notice at the Council's Customer Service Centre on the ground floor of B Block, New Walk Centre. A copy of the notice can be obtained there, or by telephoning (0116) 252 7249. A small charge will be made for a copy.

Again, thanks to anyone who contributed to 'the cause'.

Tiernan Welch