Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Why Kevin Bishop isn't funny

- not funny

Dear Kevin Bishop,

This was never going to be an easy letter to write, like telling a little disabled boy that he can never be an athlete, or a sex offender they can never teach pre-school. But it's with pity, but admittedly some relief that I write to you to inform you that you, Kevin Bishop, are not funny. But, I imagine you get people telling you this on a regular basis, so instead of simply calling you a 'useless cunt' or 'talentless fuck-wit'; I felt it would be best to break it down for you.

Your first problem is that you cannot write jokes. Rule one, just because you think something is funny does not make it automatically make is to. No, writing comedy is about good original script and timing - both things abundantly lacking in your 'work'.

Secondly, your 'impersonations': I feel compelled to tell you that these are, at best, dreadful. Principally these are flawed because you don't look or sound like the subject of your efforts and seemingly the only way you can portray who the identity to the viewer is to use a catch phrase, or quote from a film in which they appeared. Poor.

So, we have established that you cannot write jokes or do impressions. Why then Kevin, are these the crux of your show? As a format 'impression/comedy' is inherently weak, with obvious exception being 'spitting Image'. Difference of course being, Spitting image was funny, current and well researched, whereas you are shit. Oh sorry, I said I wouldn't resort to that.

But I know what you're thinking; 'I must be funny, I have my own TV show'. Yes you do have your own show, but sadly it is not funny. Seriously, ask anyone. In fact, its probably the polar opposite of funny; it's actually quite sad. And not even sad in a 'past-it-radio-DJ-hyping-the-latest-zeitgeist-band-sad' way, but in a homeless talking dog sort of way. Depressing.

In conclusion, yes I probably could do better.

Yours sincerely,

Tiernan Welch

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