Dear Mr Gately

Dear Mr Gately,

I'm still struggling with the news that you're gay.

Bear with me.

Tiernan

What happend Simon, what happened?

Hi Simon,

Me again!

I feel the urge to write this time in relation to the new season of X Factor. Now, as I’m sure you well know – no one actually admits to/nor really enjoys watching X-Factor. We are a nation of people who automatically loathe anyone with a vague semblance or talent or success. What we do like, however is laughing at, mocking and jeering those less fortunate. The simple pleasure of passing judgement on societies reprobates; the misguided, fame hungry and often genetically inferior fuck-ups. That Mr Cowell was the appeal of X-factor.


Why therefore have you essentially removed this element for us? The ‘audition process’ used to be a breeding ground for the the hopeless. All wonderfully magnified and intensified by the claustrophobia of the small audition room, or chamber. Now the 'process' (whats left of it) is sympathetic, sensitive and at some junctures almost supportive?! If I wanted to watch something emotionally moving I would watch ‘It’s a wonderful life’ – but it’s not a wonderful fucking life Si. Life for these people is pain, it’s a struggle. Life is art and art is emotion. Emotions which are made of aspirations and dreams. Dreams which I used to enjoy seeing you crush like little socially deprived grape. The introduction of a live audience has given the programme a soul and a machine like you cannot have a soul. A live audience at the auditions Mr Cowell, wa a mistake.


For example, I’ll have been watching X-Factor as one of God’s mistakes (who has already poured her heart out to your moronic audience about her sick dog) is awkwardly butchering her way through a Mariah Carey ‘classic’ or something. I’m at home devising a plan to run for prime minister simply so I can legally promote and enforce mandatory sterilization for the subject. She finally rasps her last note and I’m waiting for it Simon, I’m waiting for you to rip her to pieces with one of your trade mark put-downs like: "If you had lived 2,000 years ago and sung like that, I think they would have stoned you.", ‘You sounded like Cher after she's been to the dentist’ or ‘Look at me again and I’ll stab you’. But instead the audience began to applaud ‘her courage’ and you Simon 'Shylock' Cowell, you sympathise with her! More Pontius Polite and Pontius Pilate I’d say...


So now we’re already finished boot camp and now there’s nothing to look forward to but Phil Collins covers and general musical competence. I’ve given you a lot to think about I know, but without allowing the deluded to be properly debased the dream, at least for me, is over.


Tiernan (Winner 2010) Welch