Sunday, April 04, 2010

Eon, Eon, Eons

Dear Eon,

Three and a half weeks – it has been three and a half weeks since I first rang to tell you that my boiler was not working. That’s three and a half weeks without heating, means to wash up or means to wash myself. Without being mellow dramatic, the third world could do better – I mean they may have to walk 2 miles for clean water, but at least they have access to it.

26 hours - 26 hours is the combined length to time I have spent waiting in for your engineers to arrive to fix the aforementioned problem. Now, no one could accuse me of not being a patient man; in fact given my three and a half week pilgrimage without water I suspect that those around me are beginning to compare my suffering to that of Jesus’ 40 days and 40 nights (though he could probably have a bit of a wash if he needed to).

Perhaps I’m being a touch unfair? Engineers have been coming to my house, providing comic relief to the situation. They’ve all been decent enough folk and very friendly. They’ve all individually come in drank my tea and turned my kitchen upside down in order to tell me that same thing – so let me share that with you with the same patronising intent I received it with. I need a new APS (Air pressure switch) and my IM (Ignition motherboard) is ‘on its way out’. So to sum up: an APS and IM need to be ordered to fix my boiler, OK? Seriously, is that OK?

I know, I know. It’s simple, right? In that case why has it taken 5 people to come to my house on 5 different days over the course of three and a half weeks costing me 5 days of annual leave from work to resolve this matter? The process has been nothing short of farcical; honestly. ‘The part has been ordered sir’. ‘Sorry sir the part is in Coventry’, ‘Sir the part is attached to a blimp’, ‘Sir, the part was left in a will by an eccentric millionaire and now an only be found using this hundred year old treasure map and sextant’. I don’t mean to be rude, but this isn’t my problem and I am no longer interested in your excuses. It’s cold and I smell. Come and fix my boiler.

Yours in questioning doubt,

Tiernan Welch

No comments: