Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Oppor-tuna-ty for a change

To whom it may concern at Subway,

I have enjoyed subway for many years now and to this end have relished your 'sub of the day' offer which has satisfied my hunger, nutrition and my overwhelming inability to make decisions on my half hour lunch break. That said, every Friday my heart sinks when I stand in line in my local subway only to be reminded that the sub of the day for Friday is Tuna. I don't like tuna and I do not believe that it represents the excitement of the impending weekend. Imagine if you will the following scenario:

Donnie and Mikey are two 'cool' youngsters with piercings and sexually ambiguous dress sense. It's Friday afternoon and they've finished 'College' (where they probably study music technology or something) for the day and they're hungry for a tasty lunch-shaped bite.


Donnie: Hey dude, man I'm hungry.
Mikey: Yeah man, me too. What you thinkin'?
Donnie: Well, I'll tell you what I don't want; something high in cholesterol which is packed full of delicious MSG.
Mikey: Yeah 'screw' that, man! How about something grey, pasty and fishy.
Donnie: Yeah, that sounds great.
Mikey: Subway?
Donnie: Thought you'd never ask!

...and scene.

OK, are you finding the above scenario hard to believe? Well, you should, you see Mikey and Donnie are both made up characters and DO NOT represent the thoughts of the country's trendy young consumers. Tuna is boring, in fact tuna is so boring that the term 'boring tuna' actually refers (in slang terms) to a sexually inadequate partner. I didn't know that, but Mikey and Donnie would have.

Looking through your list 'Sub of the day' menu and I can see several more suitable sandwich candidates which much better embody that 'Friday feeling'. There's a few other duds on the menu, I mean, clearly you wouldn't have Ham or Turkey breast and Ham as Friday sandwiches, we can strike them from the maybe list straight away. But Italian B.M.T (or 'Bigger, Meatier, Tastier'), 'Spicy Italian' and 'Meat Ball Marinara' are all well worth considering.

I used to think that the best thing about ordering tuna is that it's scooped out using an ice cream scoop, but now that I'm thinking about it, that's actually a little bit gross. In fact, now it has connotations of gruel and the 'Can I have some more' scene in Dickens' classic 'Oliver Twist'. Subway, I implore you to address my concerns. Friday represents magic, opportunity and living on the edge. Tuna merely represents compromise, sadness and sexual disappointment.

Yours with upmost sincerity,

Tiernan Welch

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