Frolics, foals and perfect felony

Last night my phone was stolen while I was at a bar. In addition to having to be interviewed by the police here I have been informed by my insurance that in order to have a 'successful claim' I must provide an account of the events which must 'include as much detail as possible of the event' in support of my application...on top of a £100 excess fee.

Here is my account:

To whom it may concern,

Here is my account of the events that led to the theft of my phone on Thursday 21/03/13.

My girlfriend and I were having a pre-dinner drink at the ‘trendy’ ‘O-bar’ cocktail bar/bistro located on the Braunstone Gate part of the city. The time was roughly 19:30 and my phone was on the table in front of me as we had just been taking using it to take humorous pictures of ourselves using photos from ‘style’ magazines to obscure parts of our faces (the most successful by far being the lower part of Yannis from Foals’ grumpy little beardy face juxtaposed with my girlfriends’ delicate facial features). See below:

Its important I add that neither of us were intoxicated in any way, in fact this was our first and only drink - however midway through our merriment two males came in to the bar holding what appeared to be flyers. This was most unusual as the bar does not ‘welcome’ this sort of thing and there is a strict dress code enforced by bouncers who normally suss out potential criminals. The two men appeared to be from a South Asian origin, one roughly 5’9 and the other 5’6 (a more accurate description is available if required); they approached us holding said flyers feathered out like a large pack of cards – he was asking me to ‘buy one’ of these cards for 50p. Naturally I said I was not interested, but he insisted and in doing so got very close to me. So close in fact that he obscuring my vision of the table and allowed me to smell his musk of Joop. Fortunately for the pursuit for 'as much detail as possible' I am able to confirm that on closer inspection the flyers were for a World War 2 battle re-enactment that had occurred the previous October... 

But then as quick as they entered they left. Poof. My girlfriend and I looked at each other recognising the bizarreness of the situation before we stopped the two men through the large window as they (literally) skipped down the road.

Some twenty minutes later we got up to leave, I padded my pocket down and became aware I did not have my phone. I immediately realised what had happened…WE’D BEEN HAD. I immediately altered the manager  who was shocked and apologetic (he didn't offer us a drink for our nerves however) but assured me there was CCTV which he checked and confirmed the men were identifiable from their footage. Naturally I was quite upset and while I obviosly didn't cry or anything cause I'm hard I was discussing the events to loudly to another member of staff and while doing so girl I did not know overheard. She had been at another bar across the road and reported that two men had offered her flyer also. I asked if she had her phone, she laughed for a moment until she checked her bag and found that she too had been a victim. We both contacted the police who were busy and disinterested and advised that CCTV was available and the two suspects would likely still be in the area. I then cancelled my phone and went home, sad and feeling violated.

Yours sincerely,

Tiernan Welch