The most disappointing band reunions, ever

As I sit here in my acid washed jeans, Doc Martin’s, oversized jumper and high peaked baseball cap I can’t help but think two things. One, my God I look like an insufferable prick and two, haven’t we seen this before...? The answer is yes. It was called the 90’s and it was a bleak time characterised by a Gulf War, a crippling recession and a relentless and out of touch conservative government. While the thought of this might seem beyond comprehension to us now in 2013, its influence is clear, especially with today’s music.

Regular readers will be aware that I am by no means a music fan and prefer New Balance to New Order, WH Smiths to the Smiths and Maoam to Duran Duran, however the never inaccurate Wikipedia reliably informs me that 90’s music was a time of convergent ‘alternative’ styles of music. From across the Atlantic we welcomed ‘grunge’; its pioneer Burt Cobain who was tragically lost during a gang related drive-by but his influence is far reaching and recognisable amongst popular acts such as the Foo Fighters. Meanwhile, the UK scene was exploding with a ‘Brit-pop’ shaped IED, Spearheaded by the likes of Oasis, Reef and Menswear, the 90’s were halcyon times cocaine on cornflakes, dating members of All-Saints and befriending Jimmy ‘five bellies’ all considered acceptable norms. But over time the ‘mod’ imitation haircuts grew out into ‘curtains’ and ‘undercuts’, and by the mid-point of the decade boy-bands were ten a penny. With music as infectious as their STI’s, young girls across the land were put into frenzies not seen since the Beatles, Slade or the Proclaimers. Such wholesomeness was characteristically followed by a full scale revolt and by the Coalchamber hoodie epidemic of ’99, nu-metal was all the rage. But these collective flames could only burn so brightly for so long and sadly the talent, momentum and most of all interest simply ran out.

Or so we thought…

History has been fairly consistent in reminding us that remakes, re-vamps and reunions have a tendency to be in the main, shit. Recent revisits to Star Wars, Indiana Jones, ITV’s ‘Catchphrase’ firmly back this up, and we can’t overlook the horrors of the Total Recall, Arthur, Italian Job, Halloween and Alfie remakes. But music is a different, somehow more personal and because of this some reunions don’t just damage the memory, but also the integrity and legacy which were once so precious. The past year saw Blur, Pulp and the inexplicably popular Primal Scream returning to the stage, but none came close the madness which accompanied the reunion of everyone’s default favourite band ‘The Stone Roses’ who come in fifth as my disappointing reunion. Fans flocked to catch a glimpse of the now literal ‘second coming’ and while I have no problem with them per sae, I also have no problem with magnolia, chicken korma or Nokia.

Reunions are big business and the Stone Roses were reported to make £10,000,000 for their recent live shows. Though not in the same league (but still obscene), the Libertines are also thought to have received a 1.5 million for their Reading and Leeds performances…which will buy you a hell of a lot of military jackets, Raybans and smack. The thing is, with falling CD sales, easy access to pirated material and streaming sites it’s easy to see why bands continue to return to now the densely populated scene. I mean, how else are these stars going to afford to put rocket fuel in their space ships…? But while money must be a motivating factor, it can’t be the only reason and we are often told that new tiurs and albums are ‘for the fans’. Indeed the recent Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath comebacks both proved incredibly popular with their huge international fan base as well as being tasteful and respectful to their catalogue. Therefore, with ‘metal’ in mind, the fourth most disappointing reunion has to go ‘Limp Bizkit’. 

While their return has been ultimately successful, it does somewhat undermine their very public and acrimonious split which culminated in guitarist Borlan going as far as to call his next musical output ‘Big dumb face’ - no doubt related the vast, stupid face of man-boy frontman, Fred Durst. While da Bizkit’s albums are certified meccas to cringiness, fans say that to fully appreciate their brutality they must be witnessed live, but then the same could be said for a murder. 

But the ‘real’ bands weren't the only ones enjoying the nostalgia-wagon and after the surprise success of professional waist-coast wearers ‘Take-That’, it was the time for other defunct manufactured bands to prove their worth. Fueled by a passion to be taken seriously, what better way to solidify integrity was there than to appear in ITV2’s reality show, ‘The Big Reunion’? The series saw many of the 1990’s ‘stars’ compete for a second chance at stardom and collectively they make up third position in my disappointment run down. Amongst the quagmire of double denim and repressed homosexuality was ‘Blue’, best remembered for their hit singles ‘All Rise’, ‘One Love’ and ‘Butchered at Birth’, as well as their unparalleled stupidity. But I guess it’s easy to be cynical about Blue, so long as no elephants are being harmed, eh? Self-styled boy-bands’ bad-boys ‘5ive’ added to the murky mix. Undeterred by the fact that the one who rapped decided not to join in, the band soldiered on as a 4 piece thereby entirely undermining their USP and indeed name. The aptly named disaster that was ‘911’ also featured, singing like angels but looking more like drug dealers and dog fighters than we remembered. It’s hard to say who the winner of the ‘Big Reunion’ is, both because I don’t know and as such a term seems a bit sarcastic.

Perhaps most controversial (by people who think that what bands choose to do of their own free will is news) surrounded the return of fair weather anarchists Rage Against the Machine. The 90’s was a time where ‘Rage’ ruled, and their idealistic world view and social commentary frequently found themselves tip-ex’d on many a 90’s teenagers’ ruck sack. However the 2008 X-Factor winners were heavily criticised, whether this was due to their lacklustre live sets or the fact that the nihilism of 20 years ago just felt forced or wasn’t relevant anymore, frankly I can’t say. I do however understand that similar feelings were evoked by the surprise reformations of At the Drive-in and Refused, who had both maintained that reunifications were ‘off the table’. This station is now profitable I suppose.

But no run down of crushing musical disappointment would be complete without mentioning the big ‘guns’. Fronted by archetypal rock blueprint Axl Rose, Guns ‘n Roses dominated the 80’s and 90’s and the band came to embody the spirit of very spirit of rock and roll. Axl (whose name is an anagram of Roal’s Ex) was such a badass that he had been known to go as far objectify women as well as use full four letter swear words in his lyrics. But after 2 top 10 singles and inclusion in the ‘One’s to watch’ 1986 things fell apart after Axl unceremoniously fell out with the other members of the band while on a Strepsil fueled temper tantrum. After a wilderness of seventeen years the much anticipated ‘Chinese Democracy’ was released, costing $10 million as well as every single other member of the band. The album, which universally uninspired, was supported by a vigorous and relentless touring schedule and Axl (who now resembling something between Mickey Rourke and a hot meat pie) promised that their live return would be every bit as exhilarating as the new album. He was right. Llive performances also came under fire for Axl’s aggression towards the audiences and consistent lateness, clearly unlike Rihanna and Justin Bieber the world’s greatest rock band just weren't ‘cool’ not cool enough to pull this off this level of tardiness. It’s not like people had waited 17 years or anything.

Perhaps I sound bitter, but not every comeback is ‘bad’. As I write I’ve just read that the ‘Through the Keyhole’ is to be remake and presented by one man 18-30’s holiday, Keith Lemmon. Also get excited kids, Shed 7 are said to be discussing their imminent return and while we’re at it I imagine it’s time to wheel out Dirty Den, Harold Bishop and Hulk Hogan. This said, while there’s life in some old dogs yet, I think the lesson here is that sometimes the memory of things are a better than the real thing. Others are simply best left in the past. Forgotten. Buried. Like Noel Edmunds.

@sadpastie
From www.themongraph.co.uk

2012: A year in music

As sang by Big Brother One’s Craig Phillips in ‘This Time Of Year’, publications and websites are awash with what they believe are the best records of 2012 and over here at The Monograph we are no different…

Well, I say no different however but some readers will know by now that I am not actually a fan of music and therefore have no idea what the best albums are. In fact I prefer Frankie and Benny’s to Frank Ocean, Alton Towers to Alt J and flying ants to Flying Lotus. So rather than provide any insight, I’m basing my top ten on the best-selling records this festive period (with figures supplied by MTV).

House-wife and prisoners’ favourite One Direction start the sexy run down with the tenth best-selling album this year – which isn’t bad considering that they’re not old enough to rent Robocop. Their album, ‘Up all night’, which refers playfully to the night when they couldn’t sleep because they ate too many sweets, has been a surprise hit both in the UK and across the Atlantic with 1D now rivalling the successes of other British exports including Vinny Jones, Mad cow disease and Piers Morgan. ‘Up all night’ is unquestionably the album that these kids have been waiting to make their whole career…their WHOLE career.

Paloma Faith inexplicably comes in at number nine this Christmas with her second album, ‘Fall to Grace’. The record, which is presumably about a small hat or the smell of something or other in Camden, is a transparent extension of her unique style and exuberance. Indeed, I could say that artists like Paloma Faith are the back-bone of the British music industry, but if I did I’d be a liar . At number eight is Rihanna who, like Paloma Faith, is a woman. Unlike Paloma Faith however, Rihanna is awesome and whilst her choice in men leaves a lot to be desired the huge selling ‘Talk that Talk’ proves she is able to both talk the talk and also walk the walk. You’re welcome.

BBC ones’ ‘The Voice star’ and legendary outlaw Jessie ‘J’ James takes the seventh position with ‘Who you are’. The title suggests a delightful assertion of self and also the second part of what I would say to her if I met her…with the first part being ‘I don’t know’. In addition to being a successful music star Jesse J is also the world’s first bi-sexual which, according to the Guardian makes her somehow ‘sexuallyy valuable to young teens’.

Mumford and Sons (or their equally middle class moniker ‘M&S) are in at number six with ‘Babel’. In truth, this record isn’t actually as bad as I thought – it is in fact much, much worse. The album , which is the sonic equivalent of beige, is named after the Tower of Babel which was built by man to get to heaven. According to the Old Testament God then, skateboarded down it and made us all speak different languages for some reason.

Bombastic, bloated and lacking in any real substance, it is pretentious idiosyncrasies such as the name of their album which contribute to opinion of the band being so split. But why do they rile some many of us – is it because they are articulate, successful and dress like 19th chimney sweeps or just because of their crippling mediocrity.

Like Mumford and Sons, Ed Sheeran is perfect for people like me who don’t have the time, energy or inclination to find anything better.

Because Coldplay are popular no one likes them, making it pretty remarkable that they managed to sneak into my countdown with the fifth best-selling album of the year. Mylo Xyloto (pronounced ˈmaɪloʊ ˈzaɪlətoʊ’) is the eighteenth studio album from the Southend punk trio. The band’s tiringly reclusive and media shy Chris Martin describes the record as a concept album influenced by HBO’s ‘The Wire’ (seriously) and standout tracks include ‘Bunk’s rap’, ‘Stringer bell: Louder than Hell’ and ‘McNulty’s funky bunker’.

At five is Lana Del Rey, whose rise to fame is comparable to that of Lily Allen – but American and therefore better. Lana massed 20,000,000 views on YouTube before someone thought, ‘shit, I can make some money here’ and snapped her up. Since then, she has been popping up giving lacklustre and questionable performances of songs that sounded better as 15 second snippets on adverts. In fact, her performances have been the subject of much debate drawing criticism from people on the internet like me.

Next up and probably a firm favourite of the sort of people who say things like ‘dot com’ in conversation after words like ‘tired’ and ‘annoyed’ is Ed Sheeran with the abstractly named ‘+’. Ed revolutionized the musical world in 2012, wowing fans by playing his guitar as a guitar, but also hitting it from time to time like a percussive instrument. So progressive is Ed that this year he did the world a huge favour by covering ‘All along the watchtower’ with ‘Devlin’ – a song which, I think we can all agree, that Jimi Hendrix never really nailed. Like Mumford and Sons, Ed Sheeran is perfect for people like me who don’t have the time, energy or inclination to find anything better – making him kind of like the frozen pizza choice of music.

Despite being released in 2011, Adele’s ‘21’ is still the second best-selling album of 2012 and I fully believe she has what it takes to be remembered alongside other British greats like Dido, Beverly Knight and Martine McCutcheon…if she plays her cards right. Just pipping Adele to number one this year is Emeli Sandé who, for some reason now uses her middle name as a stage name. Emeli shot to fame by contributing the tuneful bit in Chipmunk’s 2009 ‘Diamond Rings’; a song which remained his biggest hit until his untimely death in 2010 when he drowned in a tragic paddling pool accident. Unphased, Emile continued to assert herself on the heartless industry by contributing the singy bits to other rap messes from ‘Pro Green’, ‘Tinie Tempa’ and ‘Wiley’. Emile eventually came into her own earlier this year following the success of her single, ‘Next to me’ which is currently being sang by no less than 50 buskers as we speak.

What a year in music.

A non-music fan's guide to 2011...a year in music

People’s obsession with music and the extent to which they will go to in order to satisfy their needs is inconceivable to me. I’m a very different kind of guy, and those of you who have already read my column will be aware that I prefer black comedies to Black Sabbath, new boxers to New Order and Britain’s Best Dish to British Sea Power. But since joining the Monograph and working among true fanatics and am no longer able to ignore your fascination, and even though I am unable to understand it, I am beginning to appreciate it…like the when Bill and Ted visit Socrates.

With that in mind, and as we edge into the winter months of the year I have looked back upon what has been a non-music fans guide to British music in 2011.

The year has seen many winners and losers, splits and reconciliations and sadly a number of high profile ‘home grown’ losses perhaps most notably Amy Winehouse; a victim of success and another bitter admittance to the 27 club. Amy, like so many before her, will be mourned and remembered as we show our respect by dressing up as her at Halloween for the years to come.

year in music PJ harvey The Non Music Fans Guide to... A Year in MusicPJ Harvey celebrated winning the coveted Mercury Prize with her seminal ‘Let England Shake’ which reflects upon this her time in Great Britain and lovingly celebrates its ‘damp grey filthiness’. I have sat with this record for some time now and have concluded that, despite what some harsher critics might say. I probably still would.

Summer came and went and, though they may have lacked the red and the white, Blue lived up to their name with a drab, lacklustre and narcoleptic performance at this year’s Eurovision.

Locally we have fared well and Maybeshewill show that they are more than just the exit music to the credits of an indie film by releasing their third album to critical acclaim. Meanwhile, having recently returned from their holiday with The Specials, By the Rivers continue to put more seasoned and experienced musicians to shame with their faultless commitment and abundant hairlines.

Leicester heroes Kasabian treated locals to two intimate shows, as well as releasing their third or fourth studio album, Velocraptor! which is already being heralded as one of the releases of the year.

Other albums of note include the much anticipated ‘King of Limbs’ from supply teachers, Radiohead. It may not seem like the most logical comparison, but you know when people post pictures of their dinner on Facebook? Well, this record is about that interesting. But I was hardly going to ‘get’ Radiohead, was I? I mean, I don’t read broadsheets or brush my teeth, so perhaps something more upbeat would be more my thing and many people recommended ‘On a mission’. This, the debut album from London’s (I assume) Katy B combines Dub-step, dance and ‘ragga’ compounded with that voice all the actors in ‘Kidulthood’ use.

Mediocrity and a small guitar seem to be key to success in music with Ed Sheeran’s ‘plus’ album being one of the year’s biggest sellers. The record is brimming full of fascinating social observations about important issues such as cartoons we used to watch as kids and computer games.

Director’s Cut by Kate Bush is equally full of surprises; most shocking of all is that Kate Bush isn’t dead as I had thought. Sticking with the girls, (as I like to do) I was looking forward to hearing the debut record ‘Past Life Martyred Saints’ by EMA but the government cut it.

I think Arctic Monkeys’ frontman Alex Turner must have broken up Alexa Chung as he’s managed to write two albums this year. ‘Submarine’ is the title of his soundtrack to the film of the same name and, like the Arctic Monkeys hilariously titled album ‘Suck it and see’; I’ve also not listened to it either. In keeping with indie music, it’s good to see Damon Albarn finally doing something new since his days in Blur, and though Beady Eye’s ‘Different Gear, Still Speeding’ isn’t quite the departure I was expecting, it does fulfil the minimal possible expectation one can possibly expect from a record. Next up, What Did You Expect From The Vaccines? Not much as it goes. Cheers guys, you’ve saved me a lot of time

‘Cults’ by Cults. People name their cars, their pets and even their gentiles. So, when you have gone to the effort of writing an album, why would you not want to name it? Bunch of Cults.

Obviously there were a large number of other credible albums this year as well as many, well, ‘less credible’ and, as we draw into the winter of the year we begin to notice various on-line petitions for ironic (but ultimately insidiously collusive) tracks to beat the X factor winner to Christmas number one slot. So with reference to reality talent shows I’m going to try and keep it short…

I think I did well.

A non-music fan's guide to...Leeds Festival

Following the mixed feedback from my first column I approached my follow up with some trepidation and so contemplated for some time about what to write about. But what do people really want, I mused? I considered current issues; but are people really interested in my views on the recent UK riots or on the Gadaffi regime? Probably yes.

Then I saw my opening, Leeds Festival 2011; the last hurrah of the festival season. But could I really write about another festival? We all know what happens when follow ups don't cut the mustard and ideas get stretched. Need I remind you of: The Matrix - Reloaded, Blues Brothers 2000, Sex and the City 2, The new Star Wars films, Grease 2, Cruel Intentions 2: Manchester Prep, Jaws 2: The Revenge, Men in Black 2, Dumb and Dumberer and Speed 2: Cruise Control. I mean, they’re all incredible films, but sadly the world wasn't ready.

Despite the fact I am a confirmed musical ignoramus, the calibre of acts at Reading and Leeds this year was so strong and unignorable that even I was familiar with some names. So on my long and pointless drive to Leeds on the Friday morning I spend the journey familiarising myself with the hits of The Muse, The Pulps, The Strokes and Late Night Gimp Fight. I also opted to bring my girlfriend with me who does like music, despite being completely deaf.

Friday started wel,l as I managed to lose all my cards and money before even paying my donation for our guest passes. Compounding my elation at this, we were also welcomed to the 'jewel of the North' by apocalyptic weather conditions and a small Irish girl attempting to sell me Ketamine. Once we set up camp (in the disabled camp site) music reigned as well as the sky and I decided to watch the bands with the worst / most interesting names which included: Death from Above 1979, Panic! At the Disco, Chapel Club, Friendly Fires, Danananaykroyd and Warpaint. I didn't enjoy them personally, but my girlfriend appeared to - or at least I think she did. I don't know sign language.

In addition to his main stage set we also managed to watch a 'secret set' by one Frank Turner. It can't have been too much of a secret though as the backdrop behind him had his name on it. Much later we watched the Muse with 100,000 strangers. Muse decided to use this point in history to perform their now 10 year old record 'Origin of Symmetry' album in its entirety. I’m sure it’s good and all, but it’s hardly ‘NOW! That’s what I call music’ where you’re certain to have hit after hit and I felt as though it went on a bit, I mean even people wearing Muse T-shirts didn’t seem to know the words so I used this opportunity to eat some chips. Later that night we went 'celeb-spotting' in the guest area which was completely unsuccessful. On arrival back to my tent I attempted to manually blow an inflatable mattress. What a rush.

In the morning a number of stewards approached us and appeared to be trying to suss out the nature of our disabilities, but they were all too polite to just come out and say something, so I spend the entire weekend pretending to suffer various impairments to justify my stay in disabled camping. It was a lovely morning; I was full of positivity and cider. The sun was out, BBQ's were lit and there was an air of optimism, until it started to rain. We spent some time in the early afternoon at the main stage where heavy metal boy bands ‘Architects’ and ‘Bring me the Horizon’ sang songs about girls, their issues with God and having mild mental health problems. This set the tone for a very bleak afternoon spent watching hardcore bands with homeless people. My girlfriend didn't enjoy it either, but obviously I couldn't be sure.

Despite missing X Factor my Saturday evening picked up tenfold when I realised that there was free 'Relentless' in the guest area, and by realising this I managed to miss My Chemical Romance and most of 30 Seconds to Marxism. I particularly enjoyed watching the moment where Actor and Model Jared Leto literally come out of his A-hole.


Sunday and more 'Relentless'. Relentless drinks boast some impressive flavours and over the weekend I enjoyed 'Dominion', 'Inferno' and 'The blood of Christ'. Celeb spotting was a bit better today too and, as well as human shit pump Chris Moyles I was lucky enough to see Louis from pop sensation 'One Direction', though the only sensation I was feeling at the time was a Relentless inducted Stroke. If the drummer from the Kaiser Chiefs looks like a train driver then I may have seen him too.

The weekend was topped off by forgettable performances from The Strokes and Pulp and then changing a car tyre on terra firma drenched with 3 days of rain. My girlfriend and I still aren't talking, but what's new...?!

Tiernan Welch
www.themonograph.co.uk

The Non Music Fan’s Guide to… Summer Sundae 2011

Not being a massive music fan I was surprised when The Monograph asked me to write my thoughts on Summer Sundae Festival, but in the spirit of community and self-improvement I decided to proceed. Though not a music fan I am by no means a philistine, I’m a big fan of black comedy for example. When I say black comedy I don’t mean Monty Python or Partridge and I mean Barbershop, White Chicks, Juice, Barbershop 2: Back in Business, CB4, Friday, The Wash, Next Friday and Friday after next.

Unlike these films, Summer Sundae is in Leicester which was perhaps the biggest difference, but on arrival at the site I was immediately at ease with the beautiful settings, quaint stalls and polite and well behaved families. But I’m not here to judge you and your children (but rest assured I am, quietly). I am here to broaden my horizons. For good music, good times and to experience something new, like Queen Latifah and Steve Martin in ‘Bringing down the House’.

And so on to the matter at hand, the music. I had heard bits about Elliot Morris, a young singer songwriter from Nottingham and everything I had heard was correct; he is very young. Next up on the main stage is Fists, they began a notable theme of the festival which is to feature attractive girls. Well done them. Following Fists I started drinking and watched Admiral Fallow who were Scottish and had an attractive female member. Then The Bees who had a song in an advert or something; the singer had a megaphone so I assume he is either very clever or very stupid. Staying with the main stage the much hyped ‘Givers’, who featured an attractive girl and didn’t offend me. I then swung by the Musician Tent to catch local reggae band ‘By the Rivers’ who ended up being everything I thought they’d be: white. Headlining the main stage was The Maccabees who were nice and well dressed and sounded like music from a Guinness advert.

SATURDAY! More Saturday Kitchen Highlights – seriously is this what I pay my license for? I was later than I intended on being today and sadly missed Humble He who I understand have an attractive girl. Other bands with attractive female members today include: We three and the death rattle, I am in love, Beth Jeans Houghton, The Daydream Club, Kirkland Turn and The Paradimes. I also watched Reef who are famous for writing the Riverboat song.

Sunday was a better day; I watched ‘How I met your Mother’ in the morning. In truth I like predictable sitcoms nearly as much as I like black comedies.. After that I went to the festival and began the morning watching Dark Dark Horse who promised so much, see I was imagining a band of warlocks with beards and biceps but in reality they all looked like Shia Le Bouf. On the main stage the Leisure Society failed to impress me but everyone else liked it, a bit like ‘The Big Bang Theory’ I guess. The Young Knives were fine. Dutch Uncles were neither. Example played all the songs from the radio. Everything Everything are silly. McFly still don’t know who they are and the winner of the hottest girl in a band goes to Blood Red Shoes.

Right, did someone say How High was on?

www.themonograph.co.uk

Oppor-tuna-ty for a change

To whom it may concern at Subway,

I have enjoyed subway for many years now and to this end have relished your 'sub of the day' offer which has satisfied my hunger, nutrition and my overwhelming inability to make decisions on my half hour lunch break. That said, every Friday my heart sinks when I stand in line in my local subway only to be reminded that the sub of the day for Friday is Tuna. I don't like tuna and I do not believe that it represents the excitement of the impending weekend. Imagine if you will the following scenario:

Donnie and Mikey are two 'cool' youngsters with piercings and sexually ambiguous dress sense. It's Friday afternoon and they've finished 'College' (where they probably study music technology or something) for the day and they're hungry for a tasty lunch-shaped bite.

ACTION!

Donnie: Hey dude, man I'm hungry.
Mikey: Yeah man, me too. What you thinkin'?
Donnie: Well, I'll tell you what I don't want; something high in cholesterol which is packed full of delicious MSG.
Mikey: Yeah 'screw' that, man! How about something grey, pasty and fishy.
Donnie: Yeah, that sounds great.
Mikey: Subway?
Donnie: Thought you'd never ask!

...and scene.

OK, are you finding the above scenario hard to believe? Well, you should, you see Mikey and Donnie are both made up characters and DO NOT represent the thoughts of the country's trendy young consumers. Tuna is boring, in fact tuna is so boring that the term 'boring tuna' actually refers (in slang terms) to a sexually inadequate partner. I didn't know that, but Mikey and Donnie would have.

Looking through your list 'Sub of the day' menu and I can see several more suitable sandwich candidates which much better embody that 'Friday feeling'. There's a few other duds on the menu, I mean, clearly you wouldn't have Ham or Turkey breast and Ham as Friday sandwiches, we can strike them from the maybe list straight away. But Italian B.M.T (or 'Bigger, Meatier, Tastier'), 'Spicy Italian' and 'Meat Ball Marinara' are all well worth considering.

I used to think that the best thing about ordering tuna is that it's scooped out using an ice cream scoop, but now that I'm thinking about it, that's actually a little bit gross. In fact, now it has connotations of gruel and the 'Can I have some more' scene in Dickens' classic 'Oliver Twist'. Subway, I implore you to address my concerns. Friday represents magic, opportunity and living on the edge. Tuna merely represents compromise, sadness and sexual disappointment.

Yours with upmost sincerity,

Tiernan Welch

'Waiti'ng for your response...

Hey blog fans,

Over the past month myself and Mr Zumeiri have built up quite a relationship and, fortunetely for me, I've been selected to reieve 40% of his $10.5 fortune.

Don't believe me, well read on...


On 25 Apr 2011, at 13:27, Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote:


Dear Sir / Madam Please read.


It is my sincere pleasure at this moment to exhibit my total trust bestowed on you in accordance to my Proposed partnership relationship with you of which I am fully convinced that you will really welcome my partnership with you in this transaction Being very sceptical about dealing with Africans in such transaction, Ranging from the height of fraudulent activities encompassing the African communities. Now it is my Godly nursed intention to prove myself to you that I am very much different from others which you must have come across.

I hereby attested my accepted conclusion to take upon my gentle self and to join hands together to cover any unforeseen expenses that may be involved here till the Final Transfer of the Funds to our Correspondent Bank before its Final remittance into your Nominated Bank Account.

This is to convince you of my spirited acceptance to have you as a confidant in a business of this magnitude knowing that you will not turn me down come-what-may, regarding this Claim/Transfer to boost my planned establishment of a funding Company out of Africa . In other Words, I went into a more concrete arrangement in couriering to your doorstep, a total of US$10.5Million Dollars through INTER-BANK TRANSFER. This amount of Money belongs to our Deceased Customer as there were no claims over this Dormant Balance Account for a period of many Years.

Therefore, I am in need of a Reliable Partner that would come forward to put claims over the Funds for its Transfer into his/her Foreign Bank Account. This is because I am the Director of Foreign Remittance Department of my Bank for secures Transfer of these Funds without any Hindrances.


All I am expecting from you, as a matter of greatest urgency and importance is your sincerity and Honesty as I have some of the Needed Legal Documents to prove that this Business is Lawful for its onward Remittance.I urgently want you to send all the demanded Personal Information’s below to me as soon as you receive this PROPOSAL in order to show your readiness and Willingness in this Proposed Business.


BELOW ARE THE NEEDED PERSONAL INFORMATIONS



1) Your Full Name.......................... ...

2) Your Age........................... ............

3) Your Mobile and Home Phone Number…………..

4) Your Fax Number……………….....

5) Your Country of Nationality………………............. .

6) Your Occupation.................... ........

7) Sex........................... .....................

8) Alternative E-mail Address/ ........................



Finally, you have to keep this Proposal confidential and secret from your Relations, Partners and Colleagues for our success in this Transaction as the basis of this Business is Secrecy. I promise you that I would protect your Personal Interest as this Business is 100 risk-free.



Therefore, I want you to express your interest to engage in this Business with me because your share is 40% of the Funds in Question so that I can send to you the TEXT OF APPLICATION which you have to Fill and send to the E-mail Address of the Bank.



I look forward for your immediate Positive response.



My regards to you and the family,

Mr Kuwaiti Zuweiri


On 28 Apr at 12:02, you wrote:

Why do you need my age?


Sent from my iPhone



On 25 Apr 2011, at 16:57, Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote:



Salam My Dear,

Those information needed from is to fill the application form that will be forwarded to you as the proceedure of this project.

I will be waiting for your urgent information.

My regards to you and the family

Mr Kuwaiti



On 25 April 2011, at 18:05 you wrote:



Thanks 'Dear',


I'm still not 100% on why you need my age, but you seem like an honest enough guy and I'm sure that this is entirely legimate so, I'm 28 (though I feel much older lol!). I'm sorry to hear that you've been having difficutlt with mistrust from fanancial institutions, it must be awful for you; frustrating too i'd imagine as the you are dealing with a lot of money - 10.5 Million is a lot, especially just to be sitting in an account! As for the information you requested, well I am male, my full name is Tiernan Trent D'arby. I am not currently employed but have previously worked in various Government jobs and am training to be a professional wrestler. I like long walks, sunsets and the smell of petrol.

Tell me about yourself.

Best wishes,

TTD

On 26 Apr 2011, at 11:50, Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote:



Salam my dear,

With thanks for you assistance so far. In order to progress with this arrangement there are only a few more obstacles which stand between our transaction’s completion. We will require you home address also as correspondence may need to be sent to yourself.

I will be waiting for your urgent information.

My regards to you and the family

Mr Kuwaiti



>On 26 Apr 2011, at 16:30 you wrote:

Hey there Kuwaiti,

Though I understand that you require information from me I think you’re acting very formally, a less trusting man may have even said suspicious? I am not sceptical about dealing with Africans, however what I do know about business is that you should know who you’re dealing with. I'm more than happy to deal with you in relation to this financial matter but I’m curious about you, what makes tick and such.

You on facebook?

Sent from my i-phone

On 28 Apr 2011, at 13:02, Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote:

Salam

To progress with our lawful remittence I will need information on your home to progress. I urgently want you to send all the demanded personal information you as you are able in order to show willingness for my proposal.

Peace be upon you

Mr Waiti Zuweiri

On 28 Apr 2011, at 14:50, you wrote:

Hi there,

Great to hear from you again mate! Tell me, if you could pick one weakness in yourself what would it be? I have to say I find it hard to trust people, but (fortunately for you I am an excellent judge of character. Pointing out our flaws is difficult, but I believe that it's really important that we recognise them, that we can address them and try to work on them, wouldn't you agree?

What's your favourite food?

Tiernan

On 30 Apr 2011, at 10:58, :Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote

Salam my friend,

As my reliable partner I still will need information relating to your address and will also need to sight of your banking information. Once competed I can progress with the application and furnishment of your remittance.

BELOW ARE THE NEEDED PERSONAL INFORMAIONS

Your fax number..................

Your address....................

Your banking account number................

Bless

Mr Waiti Zuweiri

On 30 Apr at 14:00, you wrote:

Woah Waiti,

Are you not going to buy me a drink first?!

Ok, I understand that you're here to do business and you don't have time for chit chat. That said, I'm a bit believer in doing these things face to face, I do however understand that we're not going to be able to meet on this occasion (but when this goes through you never know, I might pop over and visit!). I would feel more comfortable if I knew what you looked like, it just helps me with my trust issues. Here's a picture of me:

Best,

Tiernan

On 02 May 2011, at 18:45, :Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote

Salam

To progress with you I will need address and account number for your bank. This is one in a lifetime chance for an investor

My regards to you and the family

Mr Kuwaiti Waiti


On May 01 2011, at 10:02, you wrote:

Hey Waiti,

Mate, I'm in some serious trouble and need some money, fast. Thankfully I don't need all the 2.6 million you promised me in your first e-mail but I was wondering if you might be able to stand me a few grand? I will need your account information and details of your date of birth, address, email and your bank sort-code and account number. Obviously if you're able to front me a bit of cash I would have no reason whatsoever to even doubt you or your intentions.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Tiernan