Saturday, November 26, 2011

A non-music fan's guide to 2011...a year in music



People’s obsession with music and the extent to which they will go to in order to satisfy their needs is inconceivable to me. I’m a very different kind of guy, and those of you who have already read my column will be aware that I prefer black comedies to Black Sabbath, new boxers to New Order and Britain’s Best Dish to British Sea Power. But since joining the Monograph and working among true fanatics and am no longer able to ignore your fascination, and even though I am unable to understand it, I am beginning to appreciate it…like the when Bill and Ted visit Socrates.

With that in mind, and as we edge into the winter months of the year I have looked back upon what has been a non-music fans guide to British music in 2011.

The year has seen many winners and losers, splits and reconciliations and sadly a number of high profile ‘home grown’ losses perhaps most notably Amy Winehouse; a victim of success and another bitter admittance to the 27 club. Amy, like so many before her, will be mourned and remembered as we show our respect by dressing up as her at Halloween for the years to come.

year in music PJ harvey The Non Music Fans Guide to... A Year in MusicPJ Harvey celebrated winning the coveted Mercury Prize with her seminal ‘Let England Shake’ which reflects upon this her time in Great Britain and lovingly celebrates its ‘damp grey filthiness’. I have sat with this record for some time now and have concluded that, despite what some harsher critics might say. I probably still would.

Summer came and went and, though they may have lacked the red and the white, Blue lived up to their name with a drab, lacklustre and narcoleptic performance at this year’s Eurovision.

Locally we have fared well and Maybeshewill show that they are more than just the exit music to the credits of an indie film by releasing their third album to critical acclaim. Meanwhile, having recently returned from their holiday with The Specials, By the Rivers continue to put more seasoned and experienced musicians to shame with their faultless commitment and abundant hairlines.

Leicester heroes Kasabian treated locals to two intimate shows, as well as releasing their third or fourth studio album, Velocraptor! which is already being heralded as one of the releases of the year.

Other albums of note include the much anticipated ‘King of Limbs’ from supply teachers, Radiohead. It may not seem like the most logical comparison, but you know when people post pictures of their dinner on Facebook? Well, this record is about that interesting. But I was hardly going to ‘get’ Radiohead, was I? I mean, I don’t read broadsheets or brush my teeth, so perhaps something more upbeat would be more my thing and many people recommended ‘On a mission’. This, the debut album from London’s (I assume) Katy B combines Dub-step, dance and ‘ragga’ compounded with that voice all the actors in ‘Kidulthood’ use.

Mediocrity and a small guitar seem to be key to success in music with Ed Sheeran’s ‘plus’ album being one of the year’s biggest sellers. The record is brimming full of fascinating social observations about important issues such as cartoons we used to watch as kids and computer games.

Director’s Cut by Kate Bush is equally full of surprises; most shocking of all is that Kate Bush isn’t dead as I had thought. Sticking with the girls, (as I like to do) I was looking forward to hearing the debut record ‘Past Life Martyred Saints’ by EMA but the government cut it.

I think Arctic Monkeys’ frontman Alex Turner must have broken up Alexa Chung as he’s managed to write two albums this year. ‘Submarine’ is the title of his soundtrack to the film of the same name and, like the Arctic Monkeys hilariously titled album ‘Suck it and see’; I’ve also not listened to it either. In keeping with indie music, it’s good to see Damon Albarn finally doing something new since his days in Blur, and though Beady Eye’s ‘Different Gear, Still Speeding’ isn’t quite the departure I was expecting, it does fulfil the minimal possible expectation one can possibly expect from a record. Next up, What Did You Expect From The Vaccines? Not much as it goes. Cheers guys, you’ve saved me a lot of time

‘Cults’ by Cults. People name their cars, their pets and even their gentiles. So, when you have gone to the effort of writing an album, why would you not want to name it? Bunch of Cults.

Obviously there were a large number of other credible albums this year as well as many, well, ‘less credible’ and, as we draw into the winter of the year we begin to notice various on-line petitions for ironic (but ultimately insidiously collusive) tracks to beat the X factor winner to Christmas number one slot. So with reference to reality talent shows I’m going to try and keep it short…

I think I did well.

Monday, September 05, 2011

A non-music fan's guide to...Leeds Festival



Following the mixed feedback from my first column I approached my follow up with some trepidation and so contemplated for some time about what to write about. But what do people really want, I mused? I considered current issues; but are people really interested in my views on the recent UK riots or on the Gadaffi regime? Probably yes.


Then I saw my opening, Leeds Festival 2011; the last hurrah of the festival season. But could I really write about another festival? We all know what happens when follow ups don't cut the mustard and ideas get stretched. Need I remind you of: The Matrix - Reloaded, Blues Brothers 2000, Sex and the City 2, The new Star Wars films, Grease 2, Cruel Intentions 2: Manchester Prep, Jaws 2: The Revenge, Men in Black 2, Dumb and Dumberer and Speed 2: Cruise Control. I mean, they’re all incredible films, but sadly the world wasn't ready.


Despite the fact I am a confirmed musical ignoramus, the calibre of acts at Reading and Leeds this year was so strong and unignorable that even I was familiar with some names. So on my long and pointless drive to Leeds on the Friday morning I spend the journey familiarising myself with the hits of The Muse, The Pulps, The Strokes and Late Night Gimp Fight. I also opted to bring my girlfriend with me who does like music, despite being completely deaf.


Friday started wel,l as I managed to lose all my cards and money before even paying my donation for our guest passes. Compounding my elation at this, we were also welcomed to the 'jewel of the North' by apocalyptic weather conditions and a small Irish girl attempting to sell me Ketamine. Once we set up camp (in the disabled camp site) music reigned as well as the sky and I decided to watch the bands with the worst / most interesting names which included: Death from Above 1979, Panic! At the Disco, Chapel Club, Friendly Fires, Danananaykroyd and Warpaint. I didn't enjoy them personally, but my girlfriend appeared to - or at least I think she did. I don't know sign language.


In addition to his main stage set we also managed to watch a 'secret set' by one Frank Turner. It can't have been too much of a secret though as the backdrop behind him had his name on it. Much later we watched the Muse with 100,000 strangers. Muse decided to use this point in history to perform their now 10 year old record 'Origin of Symmetry' album in its entirety. I’m sure it’s good and all, but it’s hardly ‘NOW! That’s what I call music’ where you’re certain to have hit after hit and I felt as though it went on a bit, I mean even people wearing Muse T-shirts didn’t seem to know the words so I used this opportunity to eat some chips. Later that night we went 'celeb-spotting' in the guest area which was completely unsuccessful. On arrival back to my tent I attempted to manually blow an inflatable mattress. What a rush.


In the morning a number of stewards approached us and appeared to be trying to suss out the nature of our disabilities, but they were all too polite to just come out and say something, so I spend the entire weekend pretending to suffer various impairments to justify my stay in disabled camping. It was a lovely morning; I was full of positivity and cider. The sun was out, BBQ's were lit and there was an air of optimism, until it started to rain. We spent some time in the early afternoon at the main stage where heavy metal boy bands ‘Architects’ and ‘Bring me the Horizon’ sang songs about girls, their issues with God and having mild mental health problems. This set the tone for a very bleak afternoon spent watching hardcore bands with homeless people. My girlfriend didn't enjoy it either, but obviously I couldn't be sure.


Despite missing X Factor my Saturday evening picked up tenfold when I realised that there was free 'Relentless' in the guest area, and by realising this I managed to miss My Chemical Romance and most of 30 Seconds to Marxism. I particularly enjoyed watching the moment where Actor and Model Jared Leto literally come out of his A-hole.


Sunday and more 'Relentless'. Relentless drinks boast some impressive flavours and over the weekend I enjoyed 'Dominion', 'Inferno' and 'The blood of Christ'. Celeb spotting was a bit better today too and, as well as human shit pump Chris Moyles I was lucky enough to see Louis from pop sensation 'One Direction', though the only sensation I was feeling at the time was a Relentless inducted Stroke. If the drummer from the Kaiser Chiefs looks like a train driver then I may have seen him too.


The weekend was topped off by forgettable performances from The Strokes and Pulp and then changing a car tyre on terra firma drenched with 3 days of rain. My girlfriend and I still aren't talking, but what's new...?!


Tiernan Welch
www.themonograph.co.uk

Monday, August 22, 2011

The Non Music Fan’s Guide to… Summer Sundae 2011



Not being a massive music fan I was surprised when The Monograph asked me to write my thoughts on Summer Sundae Festival, but in the spirit of community and self-improvement I decided to proceed. Though not a music fan I am by no means a philistine, I’m a big fan of black comedy for example. When I say black comedy I don’t mean Monty Python or Partridge and I mean Barbershop, White Chicks, Juice, Barbershop 2: Back in Business, CB4, Friday, The Wash, Next Friday and Friday after next.


Unlike these films, Summer Sundae is in Leicester which was perhaps the biggest difference, but on arrival at the site I was immediately at ease with the beautiful settings, quaint stalls and polite and well behaved families. But I’m not here to judge you and your children (but rest assured I am, quietly). I am here to broaden my horizons. For good music, good times and to experience something new, like Queen Latifah and Steve Martin in ‘Bringing down the House’.


And so on to the matter at hand, the music. I had heard bits about Elliot Morris, a young singer songwriter from Nottingham and everything I had heard was correct; he is very young. Next up on the main stage is Fists, they began a notable theme of the festival which is to feature attractive girls. Well done them. Following Fists I started drinking and watched Admiral Fallow who were Scottish and had an attractive female member. Then The Bees who had a song in an advert or something; the singer had a megaphone so I assume he is either very clever or very stupid. Staying with the main stage the much hyped ‘Givers’, who featured an attractive girl and didn’t offend me. I then swung by the Musician Tent to catch local reggae band ‘By the Rivers’ who ended up being everything I thought they’d be: white. Headlining the main stage was The Maccabees who were nice and well dressed and sounded like music from a Guinness advert.


SATURDAY! More Saturday Kitchen Highlights – seriously is this what I pay my license for? I was later than I intended on being today and sadly missed Humble He who I understand have an attractive girl. Other bands with attractive female members today include: We three and the death rattle, I am in love, Beth Jeans Houghton, The Daydream Club, Kirkland Turn and The Paradimes. I also watched Reef who are famous for writing the Riverboat song.


Sunday was a better day; I watched ‘How I met your Mother’ in the morning. In truth I like predictable sitcoms nearly as much as I like black comedies.. After that I went to the festival and began the morning watching Dark Dark Horse who promised so much, see I was imagining a band of warlocks with beards and biceps but in reality they all looked like Shia Le Bouf. On the main stage the Leisure Society failed to impress me but everyone else liked it, a bit like ‘The Big Bang Theory’ I guess. The Young Knives were fine. Dutch Uncles were neither. Example played all the songs from the radio. Everything Everything are silly. McFly still don’t know who they are and the winner of the hottest girl in a band goes to Blood Red Shoes.


Right, did someone say How High was on?


www.themonograph.co.uk

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Oppor-tuna-ty for a change



To whom it may concern at Subway,


I have enjoyed subway for many years now and to this end have relished your 'sub of the day' offer which has satisfied my hunger, nutrition and my overwhelming inability to make decisions on my half hour lunch break. That said, every Friday my heart sinks when I stand in line in my local subway only to be reminded that the sub of the day for Friday is Tuna. I don't like tuna and I do not believe that it represents the excitement of the impending weekend. Imagine if you will the following scenario:

Donnie and Mikey are two 'cool' youngsters with piercings and sexually ambiguous dress sense. It's Friday afternoon and they've finished 'College' (where they probably study music technology or something) for the day and they're hungry for a tasty lunch-shaped bite.

ACTION!

Donnie: Hey dude, man I'm hungry.
Mikey: Yeah man, me too. What you thinkin'?
Donnie: Well, I'll tell you what I don't want; something high in cholesterol which is packed full of delicious MSG.
Mikey: Yeah 'screw' that, man! How about something grey, pasty and fishy.
Donnie: Yeah, that sounds great.
Mikey: Subway?
Donnie: Thought you'd never ask!

...and scene.

OK, are you finding the above scenario hard to believe? Well, you should, you see Mikey and Donnie are both made up characters and DO NOT represent the thoughts of the country's trendy young consumers. Tuna is boring, in fact tuna is so boring that the term 'boring tuna' actually refers (in slang terms) to a sexually inadequate partner. I didn't know that, but Mikey and Donnie would have.

Looking through your list 'Sub of the day' menu and I can see several more suitable sandwich candidates which much better embody that 'Friday feeling'. There's a few other duds on the menu, I mean, clearly you wouldn't have Ham or Turkey breast and Ham as Friday sandwiches, we can strike them from the maybe list straight away. But Italian B.M.T (or 'Bigger, Meatier, Tastier'), 'Spicy Italian' and 'Meat Ball Marinara' are all well worth considering.

I used to think that the best thing about ordering tuna is that it's scooped out using an ice cream scoop, but now that I'm thinking about it, that's actually a little bit gross. In fact, now it has connotations of gruel and the 'Can I have some more' scene in Dickens' classic 'Oliver Twist'. Subway, I implore you to address my concerns. Friday represents magic, opportunity and living on the edge. Tuna merely represents compromise, sadness and sexual disappointment.

Yours with upmost sincerity,

Tiernan Welch

Monday, May 23, 2011

'Waiti'ng for your response...

Hey blog fans,

Over the past month myself and Mr Zumeiri have built up quite a relationship and, fortunetely for me, I've been selected to reieve 40% of his $10.5 fortune.

Don't believe me, well read on...


On 25 Apr 2011, at 13:27, Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote:


Dear Sir / Madam Please read.


It is my sincere pleasure at this moment to exhibit my total trust bestowed on you in accordance to my Proposed partnership relationship with you of which I am fully convinced that you will really welcome my partnership with you in this transaction Being very sceptical about dealing with Africans in such transaction, Ranging from the height of fraudulent activities encompassing the African communities. Now it is my Godly nursed intention to prove myself to you that I am very much different from others which you must have come across.

I hereby attested my accepted conclusion to take upon my gentle self and to join hands together to cover any unforeseen expenses that may be involved here till the Final Transfer of the Funds to our Correspondent Bank before its Final remittance into your Nominated Bank Account.

This is to convince you of my spirited acceptance to have you as a confidant in a business of this magnitude knowing that you will not turn me down come-what-may, regarding this Claim/Transfer to boost my planned establishment of a funding Company out of Africa . In other Words, I went into a more concrete arrangement in couriering to your doorstep, a total of US$10.5Million Dollars through INTER-BANK TRANSFER. This amount of Money belongs to our Deceased Customer as there were no claims over this Dormant Balance Account for a period of many Years.

Therefore, I am in need of a Reliable Partner that would come forward to put claims over the Funds for its Transfer into his/her Foreign Bank Account. This is because I am the Director of Foreign Remittance Department of my Bank for secures Transfer of these Funds without any Hindrances.


All I am expecting from you, as a matter of greatest urgency and importance is your sincerity and Honesty as I have some of the Needed Legal Documents to prove that this Business is Lawful for its onward Remittance.I urgently want you to send all the demanded Personal Information’s below to me as soon as you receive this PROPOSAL in order to show your readiness and Willingness in this Proposed Business.


BELOW ARE THE NEEDED PERSONAL INFORMATIONS



1) Your Full Name.......................... ...

2) Your Age........................... ............

3) Your Mobile and Home Phone Number…………..

4) Your Fax Number……………….....

5) Your Country of Nationality………………............. .

6) Your Occupation.................... ........

7) Sex........................... .....................

8) Alternative E-mail Address/ ........................



Finally, you have to keep this Proposal confidential and secret from your Relations, Partners and Colleagues for our success in this Transaction as the basis of this Business is Secrecy. I promise you that I would protect your Personal Interest as this Business is 100 risk-free.



Therefore, I want you to express your interest to engage in this Business with me because your share is 40% of the Funds in Question so that I can send to you the TEXT OF APPLICATION which you have to Fill and send to the E-mail Address of the Bank.



I look forward for your immediate Positive response.



My regards to you and the family,

Mr Kuwaiti Zuweiri


On 28 Apr at 12:02, you wrote:

Why do you need my age?


Sent from my iPhone



On 25 Apr 2011, at 16:57, Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote:



Salam My Dear,

Those information needed from is to fill the application form that will be forwarded to you as the proceedure of this project.

I will be waiting for your urgent information.

My regards to you and the family

Mr Kuwaiti



On 25 April 2011, at 18:05 you wrote:



Thanks 'Dear',


I'm still not 100% on why you need my age, but you seem like an honest enough guy and I'm sure that this is entirely legimate so, I'm 28 (though I feel much older lol!). I'm sorry to hear that you've been having difficutlt with mistrust from fanancial institutions, it must be awful for you; frustrating too i'd imagine as the you are dealing with a lot of money - 10.5 Million is a lot, especially just to be sitting in an account! As for the information you requested, well I am male, my full name is Tiernan Trent D'arby. I am not currently employed but have previously worked in various Government jobs and am training to be a professional wrestler. I like long walks, sunsets and the smell of petrol.

Tell me about yourself.

Best wishes,

TTD

On 26 Apr 2011, at 11:50, Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote:



Salam my dear,

With thanks for you assistance so far. In order to progress with this arrangement there are only a few more obstacles which stand between our transaction’s completion. We will require you home address also as correspondence may need to be sent to yourself.

I will be waiting for your urgent information.

My regards to you and the family

Mr Kuwaiti



>On 26 Apr 2011, at 16:30 you wrote:

Hey there Kuwaiti,

Though I understand that you require information from me I think you’re acting very formally, a less trusting man may have even said suspicious? I am not sceptical about dealing with Africans, however what I do know about business is that you should know who you’re dealing with. I'm more than happy to deal with you in relation to this financial matter but I’m curious about you, what makes tick and such.

You on facebook?

Sent from my i-phone

On 28 Apr 2011, at 13:02, Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote:

Salam

To progress with our lawful remittence I will need information on your home to progress. I urgently want you to send all the demanded personal information you as you are able in order to show willingness for my proposal.

Peace be upon you

Mr Waiti Zuweiri

On 28 Apr 2011, at 14:50, you wrote:

Hi there,

Great to hear from you again mate! Tell me, if you could pick one weakness in yourself what would it be? I have to say I find it hard to trust people, but (fortunately for you I am an excellent judge of character. Pointing out our flaws is difficult, but I believe that it's really important that we recognise them, that we can address them and try to work on them, wouldn't you agree?

What's your favourite food?

Tiernan

On 30 Apr 2011, at 10:58, :Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote

Salam my friend,

As my reliable partner I still will need information relating to your address and will also need to sight of your banking information. Once competed I can progress with the application and furnishment of your remittance.

BELOW ARE THE NEEDED PERSONAL INFORMAIONS

Your fax number..................

Your address....................

Your banking account number................

Bless

Mr Waiti Zuweiri

On 30 Apr at 14:00, you wrote:

Woah Waiti,

Are you not going to buy me a drink first?!

Ok, I understand that you're here to do business and you don't have time for chit chat. That said, I'm a bit believer in doing these things face to face, I do however understand that we're not going to be able to meet on this occasion (but when this goes through you never know, I might pop over and visit!). I would feel more comfortable if I knew what you looked like, it just helps me with my trust issues. Here's a picture of me:













Best,

Tiernan

On 02 May 2011, at 18:45, :Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote

Salam

To progress with you I will need address and account number for your bank. This is one in a lifetime chance for an investor

My regards to you and the family

Mr Kuwaiti Waiti


On May 01 2011, at 10:02, you wrote:

Hey Waiti,

Mate, I'm in some serious trouble and need some money, fast. Thankfully I don't need all the 2.6 million you promised me in your first e-mail but I was wondering if you might be able to stand me a few grand? I will need your account information and details of your date of birth, address, email and your bank sort-code and account number. Obviously if you're able to front me a bit of cash I would have no reason whatsoever to even doubt you or your intentions.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Tiernan

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

...and justice for Moi

Regular readers of my blog will by now know that I’ve not had the best few months. I appreciate that everyone has their struggles and, by comparison, mine perhaps seem irrelevant and the fact that I go on about them so publicly and in such detail may be a tad churlish. With this in mind, I am quite pleased to say that since recently things have improved somewhat. Sure, I was still burgled, given notice at my job, left by my girlfriend, drowned with debt and also turned 30; but see I’m a big believer in the little things in life. It’s too much to expect that I will win the lottery or that Mila Kunlis will arrive at my door begging for a sexy hug, but well meant gestures, good manners, kind words and little fragments of decency are sometimes all we need to realise that the world isn’t such a bad place. Well, that or the delicious taste of revenge and justice being done.
 
I had one such experience only today; and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Hark back if you will to New Years Day, you were all out celebrating and spending time with your loved ones. So was, but as we partied and in the wee small hours, some reprobate was breaking into my house, robbing me of my belongings and trust in fellow man. My new year’s thieves only managed to get away with a camera, laptop and my X-box. Not a bad haul I’m sure you’ll agree, but also as they soon found out, a grave error. Permit me to explain.
 
X-boxless and alone, reluctantly I began to socialise with real people. And it was a good job I did. In late January I was visiting a friend’s house, predictably we were playing X-box when all of a sudden I came on-line. But hold on, my Xbox was stolen and as yet still unreplaced. So how in God’s name was this happening? Seeking permission, I checked my friend’s friend-list and sure enough there I was; ‘Sosolidvampire1 is on-line’. I checked ‘my’ profile to see if there was any information and to my surprise I was now a bald-headed, goatee wearing black man.
 
Then I got angry. This wasn’t helped by the day’s drinking which preceded it.
 
I’d have paid good money to see my face at this point – a mix of bewilderment, a red-face and hard-boiled fury. See, its one thing to be burgled, but quite another to have your identify stolen. I appreciate this isn’t identity theft in the real sense, but surely it must have some ethical muddiness with regards on-line identify? There’s my rep to consider for one. My kill ratio and gamer points and as if I would play Gran Tourismo or God’s sake?!  
 
Wasting no time I got on to the local Police and from here on in it’s difficult to articulate my frustration. To me it was simple, someone stole my Xbox and now they were using my account. Therefore, someone HAS my Xbox and, as it’s being used on-line, their IP address can be checked by contacting Microsoft thus providing an address. Hell, even if the person using it didn’t burgle me themselves – they’re still handling stolen goods and committing fraud by charging my bank account for use of Xbox LIVE… I understand that the nature of the crime I was reporting is usual, but seriously, the next 15 minutes were like trying to explain Quantum Physics to a dog. And not even a very bright dog. This is no reflection on the Police, who for what it’s worth were fantastic, but the poor chap I was on to had at best a limited understanding of gaming and on-line etiquette. But he got it in the end, well, he wrote it down anyway.
 
Days went by, then weeks and I assumed that the evidence I had supplied had become redundant. But then on Monday 27th April that all changed as I received a call from the Police asking me if there was anything identifiable about my Xbox. I paused for a moment. Was there? Had I added anything which may make it stand out, was there any periphery which might identify it as mine? My pause must have lingered longer than I thought.
 
‘Mr Welch?’ the voice asked. ‘Was there anything that might identify it was yours?’
 
Now at this stage I wasn’t 100% sure, but due to the nature of my own work I had inherited some smart water pens as part of an anti-burglary campaign (smart water does not show as visible to the eye but can be seen under UV light) and, with this I was confident enough to ask.

‘Sorry, yes. I think I that there may be something written using smart water’ I replied cautiously.
The voice coughed, as though embarrassed. ‘Would you be able to confirm what was written on the stolen item, Sir?’ the voice went on.
 
I think we all know what its like to not be able to laugh but really want to. When you’re in church and someone farts, in a meeting when someone’s phone goes off exposing a hilarious and surprising Hip-Hop ring tone. Or in this case, when a police Officer has her fears confirms and hears the answer: ‘Yes. If memory serves I drew a massive penis on my Xbox’.
 
Now bless this woman, but at this point she could no longer hold in her laughter and more of less lost it on the phone for a good ten seconds. Between composing herself and giggles she did apologise (which I had no trouble in accepting) and we continued our conversation. Sadly, she was unable to confirm any details of the actual daubings with me as they had to speak with the suspect further, but on ending the call she did seem confident that I would, one day see my Xbox again.