Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Oppor-tuna-ty for a change

To whom it may concern at Subway,

I have enjoyed subway for many years now and to this end have relished your 'sub of the day' offer which has satisfied my hunger, nutrition and my overwhelming inability to make decisions on my half hour lunch break. That said, every Friday my heart sinks when I stand in line in my local subway only to be reminded that the sub of the day for Friday is Tuna. I don't like tuna and I do not believe that it represents the excitement of the impending weekend. Imagine if you will the following scenario:

Donnie and Mikey are two 'cool' youngsters with piercings and sexually ambiguous dress sense. It's Friday afternoon and they've finished 'College' (where they probably study music technology or something) for the day and they're hungry for a tasty lunch-shaped bite.


Donnie: Hey dude, man I'm hungry.
Mikey: Yeah man, me too. What you thinkin'?
Donnie: Well, I'll tell you what I don't want; something high in cholesterol which is packed full of delicious MSG.
Mikey: Yeah 'screw' that, man! How about something grey, pasty and fishy.
Donnie: Yeah, that sounds great.
Mikey: Subway?
Donnie: Thought you'd never ask!

...and scene.

OK, are you finding the above scenario hard to believe? Well, you should, you see Mikey and Donnie are both made up characters and DO NOT represent the thoughts of the country's trendy young consumers. Tuna is boring, in fact tuna is so boring that the term 'boring tuna' actually refers (in slang terms) to a sexually inadequate partner. I didn't know that, but Mikey and Donnie would have.

Looking through your list 'Sub of the day' menu and I can see several more suitable sandwich candidates which much better embody that 'Friday feeling'. There's a few other duds on the menu, I mean, clearly you wouldn't have Ham or Turkey breast and Ham as Friday sandwiches, we can strike them from the maybe list straight away. But Italian B.M.T (or 'Bigger, Meatier, Tastier'), 'Spicy Italian' and 'Meat Ball Marinara' are all well worth considering.

I used to think that the best thing about ordering tuna is that it's scooped out using an ice cream scoop, but now that I'm thinking about it, that's actually a little bit gross. In fact, now it has connotations of gruel and the 'Can I have some more' scene in Dickens' classic 'Oliver Twist'. Subway, I implore you to address my concerns. Friday represents magic, opportunity and living on the edge. Tuna merely represents compromise, sadness and sexual disappointment.

Yours with upmost sincerity,

Tiernan Welch

Monday, May 23, 2011

'Waiti'ng for your response...

Hey blog fans,

Over the past month myself and Mr Zumeiri have built up quite a relationship and, fortunetely for me, I've been selected to reieve 40% of his $10.5 fortune.

Don't believe me, well read on...

On 25 Apr 2011, at 13:27, Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote:

Dear Sir / Madam Please read.

It is my sincere pleasure at this moment to exhibit my total trust bestowed on you in accordance to my Proposed partnership relationship with you of which I am fully convinced that you will really welcome my partnership with you in this transaction Being very sceptical about dealing with Africans in such transaction, Ranging from the height of fraudulent activities encompassing the African communities. Now it is my Godly nursed intention to prove myself to you that I am very much different from others which you must have come across.

I hereby attested my accepted conclusion to take upon my gentle self and to join hands together to cover any unforeseen expenses that may be involved here till the Final Transfer of the Funds to our Correspondent Bank before its Final remittance into your Nominated Bank Account.

This is to convince you of my spirited acceptance to have you as a confidant in a business of this magnitude knowing that you will not turn me down come-what-may, regarding this Claim/Transfer to boost my planned establishment of a funding Company out of Africa . In other Words, I went into a more concrete arrangement in couriering to your doorstep, a total of US$10.5Million Dollars through INTER-BANK TRANSFER. This amount of Money belongs to our Deceased Customer as there were no claims over this Dormant Balance Account for a period of many Years.

Therefore, I am in need of a Reliable Partner that would come forward to put claims over the Funds for its Transfer into his/her Foreign Bank Account. This is because I am the Director of Foreign Remittance Department of my Bank for secures Transfer of these Funds without any Hindrances.

All I am expecting from you, as a matter of greatest urgency and importance is your sincerity and Honesty as I have some of the Needed Legal Documents to prove that this Business is Lawful for its onward Remittance.I urgently want you to send all the demanded Personal Information’s below to me as soon as you receive this PROPOSAL in order to show your readiness and Willingness in this Proposed Business.


1) Your Full Name.......................... ...

2) Your Age........................... ............

3) Your Mobile and Home Phone Number…………..

4) Your Fax Number……………….....

5) Your Country of Nationality………………............. .

6) Your Occupation.................... ........

7) Sex........................... .....................

8) Alternative E-mail Address/ ........................

Finally, you have to keep this Proposal confidential and secret from your Relations, Partners and Colleagues for our success in this Transaction as the basis of this Business is Secrecy. I promise you that I would protect your Personal Interest as this Business is 100 risk-free.

Therefore, I want you to express your interest to engage in this Business with me because your share is 40% of the Funds in Question so that I can send to you the TEXT OF APPLICATION which you have to Fill and send to the E-mail Address of the Bank.

I look forward for your immediate Positive response.

My regards to you and the family,

Mr Kuwaiti Zuweiri

On 28 Apr at 12:02, you wrote:

Why do you need my age?

Sent from my iPhone

On 25 Apr 2011, at 16:57, Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote:

Salam My Dear,

Those information needed from is to fill the application form that will be forwarded to you as the proceedure of this project.

I will be waiting for your urgent information.

My regards to you and the family

Mr Kuwaiti

On 25 April 2011, at 18:05 you wrote:

Thanks 'Dear',

I'm still not 100% on why you need my age, but you seem like an honest enough guy and I'm sure that this is entirely legimate so, I'm 28 (though I feel much older lol!). I'm sorry to hear that you've been having difficutlt with mistrust from fanancial institutions, it must be awful for you; frustrating too i'd imagine as the you are dealing with a lot of money - 10.5 Million is a lot, especially just to be sitting in an account! As for the information you requested, well I am male, my full name is Tiernan Trent D'arby. I am not currently employed but have previously worked in various Government jobs and am training to be a professional wrestler. I like long walks, sunsets and the smell of petrol.

Tell me about yourself.

Best wishes,


On 26 Apr 2011, at 11:50, Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote:

Salam my dear,

With thanks for you assistance so far. In order to progress with this arrangement there are only a few more obstacles which stand between our transaction’s completion. We will require you home address also as correspondence may need to be sent to yourself.

I will be waiting for your urgent information.

My regards to you and the family

Mr Kuwaiti

>On 26 Apr 2011, at 16:30 you wrote:

Hey there Kuwaiti,

Though I understand that you require information from me I think you’re acting very formally, a less trusting man may have even said suspicious? I am not sceptical about dealing with Africans, however what I do know about business is that you should know who you’re dealing with. I'm more than happy to deal with you in relation to this financial matter but I’m curious about you, what makes tick and such.

You on facebook?

Sent from my i-phone

On 28 Apr 2011, at 13:02, Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote:


To progress with our lawful remittence I will need information on your home to progress. I urgently want you to send all the demanded personal information you as you are able in order to show willingness for my proposal.

Peace be upon you

Mr Waiti Zuweiri

On 28 Apr 2011, at 14:50, you wrote:

Hi there,

Great to hear from you again mate! Tell me, if you could pick one weakness in yourself what would it be? I have to say I find it hard to trust people, but (fortunately for you I am an excellent judge of character. Pointing out our flaws is difficult, but I believe that it's really important that we recognise them, that we can address them and try to work on them, wouldn't you agree?

What's your favourite food?


On 30 Apr 2011, at 10:58, :Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote

Salam my friend,

As my reliable partner I still will need information relating to your address and will also need to sight of your banking information. Once competed I can progress with the application and furnishment of your remittance.


Your fax number..................

Your address....................

Your banking account number................


Mr Waiti Zuweiri

On 30 Apr at 14:00, you wrote:

Woah Waiti,

Are you not going to buy me a drink first?!

Ok, I understand that you're here to do business and you don't have time for chit chat. That said, I'm a bit believer in doing these things face to face, I do however understand that we're not going to be able to meet on this occasion (but when this goes through you never know, I might pop over and visit!). I would feel more comfortable if I knew what you looked like, it just helps me with my trust issues. Here's a picture of me:



On 02 May 2011, at 18:45, :Mr Waiti Zuweiri wrote


To progress with you I will need address and account number for your bank. This is one in a lifetime chance for an investor

My regards to you and the family

Mr Kuwaiti Waiti

On May 01 2011, at 10:02, you wrote:

Hey Waiti,

Mate, I'm in some serious trouble and need some money, fast. Thankfully I don't need all the 2.6 million you promised me in your first e-mail but I was wondering if you might be able to stand me a few grand? I will need your account information and details of your date of birth, address, email and your bank sort-code and account number. Obviously if you're able to front me a bit of cash I would have no reason whatsoever to even doubt you or your intentions.

Look forward to hearing from you.