Sunday, July 26, 2009

What do you do between 1 and 4 each afternoon?

Dear My Parfitt,

I am writing today as I believe that I and the people of Great Britain have suffered enough. Now, despite my better judgement I still listen to radio one and I have done so for well over a decade. I have seen broadcasters come and go and I have participated in competitions and phone-ins, as well as attended your ambitious attempts to intrude on the festival circuit.

However, there is one serious thorn in my side, fly in my ointment, piss on my proverbial chips. I am talking Andy, may I call you Andy, about Edith Bowman. Now, it would be easy for me to list the reasons why I dislike Edith Bowman’s show so intensely, so I’m going to.

Edith Bowman is simply a dreadful broadcaster; she is frequently unprepared for her broadcasts and appears to rely far too heavily on guests and callers in to fill her gaps. In fact, do the listening public really need one show per week dedicated cinema? Especially when the only real critique she is able to provide is superlatives like ‘genius’ or ‘amazing’? Besides, who actually cares what Edith Bowman has to say about anything, at all, whatsoever, in the world?

Edith’s involvement with the ‘show’ is so limited that, in the 2 years since Colin Murray left, the format is virtually unchanged. I imagine that, what with her ‘wacky cultural references’ and the way she gushes over the latest ‘scenester’ flash in the pan indie band or film that her show is geared towards the ‘Student/Twitter/Twenties’ audience? Well, she creates such aversion amongst this ‘target audience’ that there are social networking sites dedicated to their distain as well as one entitled ‘what do you do between 1 and 4 pm each afternoon’ – because, lets face it, you can’t listen to the radio.

Andy, without wanting to put to fine a point on it; who is sleeping with her? If she’s got someone over a barrel then you, as director needs to step up and teach that bitch whose boss. Someone has to. For the love of God, someone has to. Edith’s unprofessionalism, inertia and downright laziness is not good enough for someone who is essentially being paid by the British public and I suggest you replace her immediately.

Below I have listed some possible new stand-ins:

Tim Lovejoy
Iain Lee
Colin Murray
William Shatner
David Mitchell
Andy Murray
Graham Lineham
Boris Johnson
Yoko Ono
Xzibit (or Fred Durst)

Yours truly,

Tiernan Welch

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

A humble, but ultimately unconvincing reply from Captain Birdseye

Below is the Captain Birdseye's reply to my letter (my letter being below that). I like the way they: A. Reiterate my point and B. call me 'Mrs'...


Dear Mrs Welch,

Thank you for your recent email with regards to Birds Eye Reggae Reggae Chicken Chargrills.

The advert is meant to highlight, in a humorous, light-hearted manner, the taste benefits of Birds Eye Chicken Chargrills vs a plain piece of chicken through our use of new exciting flavours such as Reggae Reggae sauce from Jamaican recipes. We did not intend the ad to be construed with any negative connotations and apologise if you have been offended.

Thank you in taking the time to contact us.

Kind Regards,

**** *********
Birds Eye Consumer Advisor

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Captain Birdseye is a marked man

Dear Captain Birdseye,

I feel I must write to you to express my feelings towards your new advertising campaign for your 'Reggae Reggae Chicken grill's.

Reggae Reggae Chicken Chargrills from Birds Eye

Though I understand that you are trying to portray that your new chicken chargrills embody the vitality and of the West Indies I believe that you have inadvertently started a race war. First off, the chargills themselves represent little more than a tired stereotype, as unforgivable as Jar Jar Binks. But my main indignation is with how the non-reggae reggae chicken piece both conducts itself and how it is mocked by its poultry based peers. For instance, when this forsaken chicken piece depicted as pasty, white and arid attempts to join in with his this muscular and bronzed counterparts it is condemned and patronisingly told 'Forget it man' for merely trying to participate.

Perhaps you were juxtaposing the coating of reggae reggae sauce in one chargill with another metaphorically smothered in apathy, but I am under little illusion that the outcasted piece of chicken is meant to represent the British Middle classes and for this reason I wish to air my concerns. Rasism, Captain Birdseye works both ways. I'm sure you, as a man of Her Majesty's Royal Navy and will understand my concern at this level of cultural insensitivity.


Tiernan Welch